I'm not who i used to be...

I went and ate lunch at Subway yesterday. It's definitely not the first time that i've done so. i guess i could talk about the potatoes in the soup that i ate not being cooked, but what importance is that in the long run? I had a stack of books with me. One, my Bible, i would have carried with me anywhere, but as for the rest, well, it's that disease that tends to follow me home from college each day- homework. I figured i could make the nice long lunch break a bit profitable by getting the reading out of the way before the weekend. I also thought i'd be able to enjoy a bit of the fun material that i had with me. It didn't turn out that way. I met someone that went to church with me a long time ago. He remembered me and was able to fill in the blank of my last name, but i didn't remember him. I know that was mentioned in my last blog. I closed it by saying, "I'm not who i used to be." Today, a lot of thought entered my mind regarding that statement.

I thought back to once upon a time when i wasn't a Christian. I remembered the person that i once was- shy, quiet, annoying when i did decide to speak... i positively enjoyed arguing with my Mom, Dad, sister and brothers. I never went out to party or do drugs. In fact, even though i went to public school, i really didn't have any friends so that option wasn't open even if i'd wanted to. Looking back, i realize what could have happened had God not used those circumstances to protect me.

Winter of my eighth grade year, i ended up going to a disciple now. Some guy named Runks was the speaker. That's where i ended up praying the prayer. Afterwards though, i really didn't start living the Christian life. In fact, i didn't even know how to. My family seemed to be pretty nominal Christians. I'd never seen them open and read a Bible. I didn't know that the Bible was what God used to speak to you. I knew i'd been to church almost every Wednesday before that point, but i really didn't know what the God thing was all about. I just knew that in GA's we did a bunch of studying about missionaries and the do's and don'ts of being a Christian. As far as Sundays went, we were CEO's (Christmas and Easter only)

The summer between my 8th and 9th grade year, God turned my life upside down. Mom and Christopher (my little brother) were flying to Alaska for a couple weeks. Plans had been made for me to go with them (i would have been the only one out of my family to go up there twice). As i mentioned, before, i enjoyed back talking my parents and pushing them as close to the edge as i could. That didn't change after i prayed the prayer. Once again, i didn't really know that it had to. Well, i didn't realize where that last button to push was located on my mother. Apparently, i accidentally tapped it. After enduring as much of me as she could, she finally said no to me going to Alaska. Even though i deserved it, i was completely disappointed. God had other plans in mind. He worked that out for his good and his purpose. That summer, the church took their first mission trip to Mexico. I'd heard about it Wednesday nights spent with the youth. I asked my parents and they said i could go. The way the meetings fell, i had my first exposure to Sunday church. That July, i left for Mexico absolutely friendless and feeling alone. While there, i met someone that would become a good friend of mine, if anything, he did set a Christian example and listened to me talk. For the first time in my life, close and personal, i was with a group of passionate Christians and was able to observe how they lived.

My freshman year came. Not a whole lot to mention about it. Struggles from being friendless. Still trying to figure out the Christian thing. Knowing that something had to change, but not knowing what or how. Summer rolled around, and i was able to go to Mexico again. There was something about being on the mission field that was able to teach me things that i couldn't have learned at home with my family. Once again, i was surrounded by a group of Christians and learning everything i could from them. Tenth grade finally came and i couldn't learn enough about God. I made it a regularity of going to church at least two times a week- not only on Wednesdays as i had previously done. I discovered the congregation of my church instead of just seeing the youth group. God really began to work in me. During that time, I fell in love with his word. I put down every book but the Bible and decided i wanted to read it cover to cover. November came and the church decided to take a construction trip to Mexico. Even though everyone was older than me, i was allowed to go. I know God definitely played a part in that. The closest person to my age on that trip was Chad- my youth minister. That's about a 15 year gap. I'll elaborate on that statement and say that Chad was a youngster compared to the rest of the group that went. I missed a week of school but learned more away from it than i ever would there. I continued to grow in the ways of the Lord at that point. I stayed in God's word... Another trip was planned- a spring break construction trip. Towards the end of the trip, we were invited to their church's baptism. In a hot spring of sulphur water located in the mountains, i watched a few of the members of the Mexico congregation be baptized. After they were baptized, Chad talked to the seven or eight of us on the trip that hadn't yet been baptized and told us that if we wanted to be baptized there, we could. Well, i finally decided to be obedient to what i knew i needed to do. I'd read enough of the Bible at that point to know that i needed to be baptized. I won't mention the way my sweater smelled after being worn into the sulphur water and thrown, while still wet, into a wal-mart bag that night in preparation to leave the next day...

The summer before my eleventh grade year, i did the usual and had plans of going to Mexico. That summer, my youth group went to Schlitterbahn and i managed to get a double ear infection. That was diagnosed by the doctor days before the Mexico trip approached. I had my clothes washed and laid on my bed beside my suitcase ready to be packed while we were there at the doctor trying to figure out how to make the agony stop. While we were waiting, my mom got a call on her cell phone. It was my brother calling to tell her that the house was on fire. We got the drops and headed home from Longview. We could see a cloud all the way from the interstate. A sickening feeling came and stayed in my stomach. I was reminded that things of this earth fade away. Sick and homeless, i still continued to press on in my quest to go to Mexico. A couple of girls took me shopping and helped me pick out some clothes to take with me. i left for a place so familiar. I found it to be a home when i no longer had one. I came home to live in a trailer house with 5 other people. The bed was so small that my sister and i couldn't share it. I had to sleep on the couch in the living room. Someone would always like to stay in there late watching TV, and then someone else would always wake up in the morning and turn it on. I couldn't sleep with it being on all the time. I was continuously tired and my immune system was so weak that i got mono. That was far from being fun. Even worse than that, the love of my life had been taken away. My parents didn't have enough money to buy me a Bible. I asked a couple of people and they said they'd get me one but never did. I was without direction making a hard time even more difficult. After way too long, i finally got a new Bible. I constantly read from it and God made his presence known. That January, our new house was finally completed. The first day it was finished, i came from the trailer and slept on the carpet all by myself. On top of having that new house smell, it provided a great environment to come and read my Bible. I read from Genesis and rejoiced in what God had provided. That night, i also lied down and had the best night sleep i had ever had.

The next summer, Mexico came and went again. I struggled through my senior year and continued to learn while in the youth group. I worked as the youth secretary at my church for a while. I went to football games at school. I enjoyed serving God through different ministries. I graduated. Mexico came again. I went with the team and stayed three weeks after they left allowing for about a month south of the border. It was my first real taste of foreign missions. It was definitely difficult, but God worked during that time...

Started college at KC. Persevered through my classes and held down a couple jobs. Participated in the first of its kind SPAM-IT program at church. Mexico came. The only difference, i flew down and visited for a week before returning to prepare to go to Tanzania, Africa. We were gone for 2 whole months. I saw poisonous snakes that could kill me with one nibble, i saw diverse animals roaming free on the African plains, and most importantly, i came into contact with a different type of people than i was familiar with. I saw Christians that had no hope but God. They made the people that i see in Mexico look like millionaires. I saw them press on through times of trial and knew that the only reason they were able to do so was because they were living by faith. They weren't able to rely on their possessions. For the most part, they had none. I'll take complete blame here, but i had a difficult time making friends with the team members. i hadn't had any previous experience in having friends and the shy me didn't know where to begin. I also got to see two marriages in the beginning of being destroyed. Long story short, it was a very difficult summer. Things didn't get any easier as i returned home dealing with a depression that didn't lift for months. It was an incredibly dark and difficult time in my life. I no longer knew who i was. The person i had been before i left for Africa disappeared. As summer neared, things slowly began to turn around.

I made plans of flying to Mexico before the team and helped plan the trip for the ones coming. I helped the people in Mexico prepare for Vacation Bible School by painting signs and using my extraordinary language skills ;-) I was finally able to see God again after being in a place so familiar. One day, it started pouring down rain as i was outside painting a sign. I was wearing a white shirt and went inside in a hurry to change clothes. I put on some dirty clothes and went outside barefoot to enjoy the rain. I played in the rain like i never had before. I danced around and felt the soft grass on my feet as i walked all over the back yard. I sang and smiled and felt pure joy after such a long time of darkness. I knew it was pure joy because of the way that i smiled. I tried to stop smiling. It just curled back and stuck! I couldn't make it go away and i'm not complaining about that. That day, I praised God in a way that I had never been able to. I realized that God is my father. I thought about the implications of that. If he's my father, in a way, that makes me a princess, and one of his children of inheritance. After the rain was over (oh how i wished it would have gone on forever) i saw the rainbow that he had given. It was glorious and i was able to see it as God had intended. It was a promise that he had given not because i or anyone else deserved it in any way. It was only by his grace alone that he sent his son to die on a cross and provide salvation for all who seek him and draw near to him.

I know this post is incredibly long, but i'm not apologizing. If you read it, that's great, if not, oh well. I just needed to reflect on some of the reasons that i'm not who i used to be. As i've done so, images through out the years have poured into my head. In that long stretch of time, i went to more than a thousand dollars worth of youth camps, conferences, and random youth events. I went to church, and participated in ministry. I know in one way or another, God has used all those things to make me the person i am today. I know there have been days of ups and downs, but God is still moving me forward and making me more Christ like through it all. It's strange to think that one week from now, i won't be the person i was when i wrote this. I hope to grow in his word as each day passes by. It's currently going on to 5:00 in the morning. It is long past my bed time, and is the best indicator for letting me know that it's time to stop typing. If you made it this far, i hope you enjoyed seeing how God has used a few of the circumstances of my life to make me the person that i am today.

~§tacy White~